I Could Never Be Worse
by HellFire2488
Summary: Set during the episode "Nasty Habits" after Rumple transports himself and Bae back home from Pan's campfire. What if Rumple broke down and told his son everything about his past with Pan?


Title: I Could Never Be Worse

Rating: Everyone

Characters: Rumplestiltskin, Baelfire, Peter Pan (mentioned)

Summary: Set during the episode "Nasty Habits" after Rumple transports himself and Bae back to their home from Pan's campfire, and Bae says Pan can't be any worse then Rumplestiltskin. What if Rumple broke down and told his son everything about his relationship with Pan?

Notes: **This story contains spoilers from Season 3 Episode 4 "Nasty Habits", as well as spoilers from about mid to end of season 3.** Story takes place immediately after Bae saying Pan couldn't be worse, so there is a slight deviation from the rest of their conversation.

Hope you enjoy!

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><p>"He can't be any worse than you."<p>

As soon as those whispered words left his son's lips, Rumple's world turned upside down in a way he could have never imagined. His throat tightened, and he backed up against the wall and reached behind himself to grip at it frantically, desperately trying to regain control of his numbing limbs.

His mind was a haze, nothing but his worse fears coming into focus. Rumple wanted to say something. He wanted to plead with his boy, make him understand what kind of a…a _demon_ that Pan was, and how he would never in his life let the Pied Piper near their family, no matter how manipulative he was. He wanted to walk right over to Bae and shake him, and yell at him for being so incredibly foolish as to go off by himself in the middle of the night without telling him. He could have been hurt, or taken off to Neverland without so much as a warning, and then he'd never see him again and _is_ _that what he wanted?_

As much as he wanted to say something, to do something that would make his son understand, the only thing he managed was a simple sentence.

"You don't mean that, son." He whispered it just as quietly, though unlike Bae's, his voice held no anger or contempt. Instead, it held a sadness that was so palpable, so open, that even Baelfire couldn't ignore it.

"Papa?" Bae asked, turning around and taking a step forward before visibly stopping himself. His face was scrunched in concern, and he forgot his anger as he looked at his father on the other side of the room, seeing a glimpse of the man he used to be, yet very different from the man he's always known.

His father was hunched over slightly, one of his hands gripping the wall so tightly that he saw it trembling even from across the room. It looked as if his father was trying to make himself smaller, so small that he wouldn't be noticed. So small that he wouldn't be a target. His father looked right back at him, but the look of absolute devotion and love that Baelfire was used to seeing was replaced with a loneliness he'd only ever glimpsed in his own reflection. He didn't know how that look got into his papa's eyes, but it was unsettling to the point where he almost felt ill.

"Papa, I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that." Baelfire backtracked hurriedly, this time taking long strides closer to his father.

Rumple made a strained noise and lifted a hand, a silent plea for him to stay away.

Rumple was still in his own mind far away, twisting and turning from one memory to another, each one a repressed reminder of everything he ever strived to overcome and failed at.

"His name is Peter Pan." Rumple repeated, then closed his eyes for a moment. "I told you I knew him when I was a boy, and that we were very close."

Rumple paused and moved away from the wall on shaky legs and sat in his seat at the supper table. A fire started in the hearth with a roar, and Baelfire didn't need to see the minute movement of his father's hand to know that it was his doing. Rumple leaned heavily against the back of the chair and kept his head up. His eyes were level with his son's, but he couldn't look into them. Not now.

"When I knew him, he was an older man." Rumple continued, his voice shaking slightly. "We were somewhat alike in our adult lives. Like me, he didn't have steady income. He did what he could to make money. The difference between us is how we chose to spend what we earned." There was a bitterness that coated Rumple's voice when he spoke the last sentence, a deep rooted resentment that came to the surface.

Baelfire listened to his father speak in silence, watching as the fire light danced across his father's face. He was thankful for that light. Baelfire always knew what his father was thinking from his facial expressions. He knew when he was worried, he knew when he was playful, and-more recently- he knew when he was angry. Though the anger was never directed at him (because he couldn't remember a time when his father was truly angry with him), he knew that expression better than the rest. What he saw on his papa's face was an anger he was not familiar with. It was a personal…no, intimate kind of anger.

"He made me promises. Countless, countless promises. And each time, I believed him." Rumple rubbed a hand across his forehead before pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.

Baelfire took the opportunity to move and he walked over to his chair and sat down across from Rumple. He stared as Rumple tried to relieve the tension in his head, and his anxiety was almost palpable in the small hobble. Whatever this was about, he didn't want to hear it. If this was the reason his father was acting this way, he would be happy to change the subject and never talk about it again. He'd do anything just for things to go back to the way they were a few hours ago, no matter how much he complained about it. He wished he'd never heard the stupid pipe in the first place.

He was about to say as much, but Rumple looked up at that moment and seemed to read the intention on his son's face.

"I never wanted to share this, but you need to know this, Baelfire." He said quietly, but with a sternness he only ever used when he was serious.

"I don't want to know about it if it hurts you."

Rumple smiled then, a soft smile that reached his eyes and reminded Baelfire of a time before grey skin. A time of real, true smiles that were a reminder of better days ahead. A reminder that no matter what the world threw at them, no matter how people spoke of them, that they had each other and it would always be enough.

"It will hurt me regardless, Bae. Besides, this is something that I owe you."

Baelfire wanted to protest, to tell his father that he didn't owe him anything, because how could he possibly owe him anything? He may not agree with his father's methods or intentions sometimes, but there was no denying that underneath the disclolored skin and cursed dagger was a _good man_; a man that he looked up to and worshipped for most of his life. A man who wanted to give him everything, and who wouldn't hurt him if his life depended on it.

How could he possibly think he owed him anything?

Rumple took one last fleeting look at Bae before speaking again. "One day, he took me to a house where two women lived. They were spinners." Rumple looked up, and a fond look flitted across his face. He looked at Baelfire with a pride he didn't normally feel, and said, "They taught me everything I know."

Baelfire nodded solemnly, almost heartbroken at the way the light only stayed in his father's eyes for a brief moment. His papa had so much to be proud of, yet could never think himself worthy enough to feel it.

"The man said he would be gone for a little while, and that he would be back." A laugh forced its way out of Rumple's throat. It was harsh and bitter. "Somehow I knew what he'd be doing when I saw him again, and I was right."

"What was he doing?" Baelfire asked.

Rumple shook his head. "Squandering. Gambling. What he did best…or worst. I walked away from him and he chased after me. I…I had something for him. It was something…that I thought might make him a better man. I gave him an offer, and he took it."

Rumple became silent again, and Baelfire once again took the opportunity to study his father. He was confused by what he was being told, and he had so many questions, mainly how a man could possibly revert back to a child. And how his father and this man knew each other.

"We went through a portal, to another world."

"Another world?" This time Baelfire couldn't mask his confusion. "There's no such thing."

"Oh, but there is, Bae." His father answered knowingly. "There are many worlds aside from our own. It just takes special kinds of magic-" He gave a quick wiggle of his fingers. "-to get to them."

Bae nodded, filing away the information. He would ask his father about magic and other worlds later.

"When we traveled to the new world, to Neverland, it was like a fresh start. He told me that anything a person desired only had to be thought of for it to materialize right in front of you. You would never want for anything in that world. Only, that wasn't the case for him."

Rumple wanted to say more; he wanted to say how relieved he had been when they left their world. It was the first time in his young life where he'd felt at peace, almost safe. The grandiose ideas and plans he and his father made warmed his heart in a way nothing else ever had, and he felt like he really, truly belonged. Like he was wanted and loved and…

But he wasn't, was he?

"Neverland is only a place for children. Adults don't belong there. That place has a kind of magic that feeds on children who believe in it. Needless to say, he couldn't stay."

"So what happened? How did he become a child again? Who is he, really?" The questions spilled out before Baelfire could stop them, but Rumple just listened to them patiently before responding.

"What happened was that he decided that eternal youth was the most important thing in the world to him. Even more important than his only son." Rumple uttered the last part quietly, and closed his eyes when he heard his son gasped a few long seconds later.

Bae looked at his father with wide, disbelieving eyes. "Wait. Papa—?"

Rumple didn't give him a chance to continue. "The shadow on the island offered him a deal, my departure for his youth. As soon as he agreed, the shadow took me, and I saw him turn back into a boy. That was the last time I saw him, until I found you tonight."

Rumple finished with a sigh, and he had to admit that part of him was relieved to finally share that with his son. The other part of him, the _parent_ in him, was the opposite. Baelfire already lost his mother, and the days and nights he spent consoling the boy were ones Rumple would not ever forget. He didn't want his son sharing the burden of knowing of his childhood failures as well. Because Neverland was a failure, wasn't it? Even though his intentions were good, it was just the beginning of a long string of good intentions that would end in ridicule and abandonment.

He would have carried the pain and heartache of his own childhood to his grave if Pan hadn't shown up with the intention of taking his boy away.

He was shaken from his thoughts when he heard a sniff, and his face contorted in pain as he saw his son's heartbroken expression.

"Bae…" He whispered and stood up, quickly making his way to the other side of the table to kneel next to him.

"How could he do that to you?" Baelfire yelled, a tear escaping down his cheek. "How could a father do that to his son?"

"It's alright, Bae." Rumple reached up to wipe the tear from his cheek.

"No, it's not!" Baelfire jerked away and stood, walking closer to the fire and pacing in front of it before turning back to his father. "It's not okay! It's horrible! And the things I said—" His voice cracked.

Rumple stood up, the sound of his son's pain tearing at his soul. He came closer to him again as Baelfire's shoulder's shook. He wasn't sure if he was crying or not, but with each step, Rumple was determined to make it better.

Baelfire's face was wet with tears when he looked up, and it forced Rumple to stop in his tracks. Now that his son was older he rarely cried anymore, but when he did, it was best to let him deal with his own tears.

He wouldn't try to wipe them away, but he wouldn't let Bae think anything was his fault.

"The things you said were true, Baelfire." Rumple looked ashamed as he forced himself to admit what Pan accused him of was true. "You were well within your right to ask those questions. And I shouldn't have just transported you back here the way I did .I should have trusted you enough to ask you to come back with me. But I was afraid, because in my heart…"

Baelfire's tears flowed freely when he heard his father's next words.

"…I knew in my heart you'd say no."

"I wouldn't have, papa." He whispered pleadingly, begging his father to understand. "I would have said yes to you."

"No, you wouldn't. Why would you?" Rumple asked resignedly. "You always seem so unhappy now, Bae. I know I've done things that embarrass you, and make people afraid of you. But, it seems like nothing I do is good anymore. You don't see much good in anything I do. At least, nothing you're proud of."

"I love you, Papa!" Bae shouted, stalking toward his father and standing in front of him. "I don't care if you have magic, or that kids don't play with me anymore. I don't care about any of it! All I've ever wanted was to be with you! That's all I've ever asked for. Because I think you're the best papa in the world and you make me feel like no matter what, everything will be alright. I just want you to look at me like you used to, before the magic. You used to look at me like…I don't know."

Bae knew what he wanted to say, but just couldn't find the words.

"How did I used to look at you, Bae?" Rumple asked him, not understanding what his son was saying. As far as he was concerned, Baelfire was the reason that the moon and stars shone in the night sky.

"It was like out of everything in the world, I was the most special to you. Now, sometimes I feel like the power is more important." Baelfire felt ashamed the moment he spoke those words, because he could almost feel his father drawing parallels between him becoming the Dark One and his father becoming Peter Pan. Both were choices of power, but the difference is that his papa was tricked; Pan chose power willingly.

Whatever Rumple was thinking in his head, he ignored it and focused on the conversation at hand. "How long have you been feeling this way, Bae? How long have you thought that?"

"A little while after you ended the Ogre's War. When it just seemed like you hurt anyone who ever came near me."

Rumple shook his head, a hard look coming across his face. "I'm going to explain some things to you, Baelfire. You've seen the way these villagers treat me. You've seen guards kick and beat me, and everyone call me a coward for something none of them would have done. If they treated me like that, and you're my son, it was only a matter of time when they would have started treating you badly, too.

"Becoming the dark one has its burdens, and I may be harsh in my methods, but if my harshness means that no one in this whole land ever even _thinks_ of mistreating you, then I will take pleasure in everything that I do to ensure that."

"You wouldn't have to protect me if you didn't have magic."

"And without magic, I wouldn't have been able to protect you tonight."

Bae sighed and nodded, letting the conversation drop. No matter how many times they talked about it, they would always be at odds over magic's influence on their lives. It was something he just didn't want to talk about anymore that night.

Bae's muscles relaxed as he walked slowly back to his chair. He still had one last question, and based on what his father said, he was almost afraid to hear the answer.

"Papa?" Rumple looked down at him and gave a short hum of acknowledgement. "What would he have done to me? To all of the boys?"

Rumple's face twisted in what could only be described as a mixture of anger and sadness.

"He would have taken you to Neverland, and you'd never be able to return. See, son, you may have thought it was your choice, but in the end, he would have found a way to take you anyway."

Bae nodded, a shiver running through him at what could have happened to him. Rumple knelt beside him again, his hand reaching to cover one of Bae's.

"You may not agree with me all the time, but I'm your papa. I love you, and…" Rumple took a breath and sighed. It's taken years for him to reach this point, and he finally thinks he is worthy of these words. "I could never be worse than he is."

Bae nodded and turned his hand palm up so he could hold his fathers. He looked down at his papa's face, and that look of protectiveness and unwavering devotion was back. He didn't think he'd ever be so happy to see that look again.

"I'm so sorry, papa. I promise, I'll find a way for us to get away from the people in this village. No matter what happens, we'll always be together."

And Baelfire intended to keep that promise. If there were other worlds out there, then maybe the person Marrion told him to see would know how to get there. Not to Neverland, but to another place. A place without magic all together. Then they could truly begin anew.

~End~


End file.
